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A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, ‘Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..’

The man was astonished and asked, ‘So what do I do with these?’

The doctor replied, ‘Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If
she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her head with the shovel.

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold Age 8
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Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete Age 9
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Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert Age 11
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Dear Pastor,
I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty Age 10
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Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there.
Stephen Age 8
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Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen Age 9
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Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie Age 10
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Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s
help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander Age 10
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Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua Age 10
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Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla Age 10
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Dear Pastor,
I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph Age 11
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Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie Age 9

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!”

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you’re not going to the store with me.”

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7.My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
“Just wait until we get home.”

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19.My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20.My mother taught me HUMOR .
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!”

“We will do it”
means
” You will do it”

“You have done a great job”
means
“More work to be given to you”

“We are working on it”
means
“We have not yet started working on the same”

“Tomorrow first thing in the morning”
means
“Its not getting done…
At least not tomorrow !”.

“After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views”
means
“I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

“There was a slight miscommunication”
means
“We had actually lied”

“Lets call a meeting and discuss”
means
“I have no time now, will talk later”

“We can always do it”
means
“We actually cannot do the same on time”

“We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline”
means
“The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

“We had slight differences of opinion”
means
“We had actually fought”

“Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you”
means
“Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

“You should have told me earlier”
means
“Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

“We need to find out the real reason”
means
“Well I will tell you where your fault is”

“Well… family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected”
means
“Well you know…”

“We are a team”
means
“I am not the only one to be blamed”

“That’s actually a good question”
means
“I do not know anything about it”

“All the Best”
means
” You are in trouble”

If you kiss her,
You are not a gentleman
If you don’t,
You are not a man

If you praise her,
She thinks you are lying
If you don’t,
You are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,
You are a wimp
If you don’t,
You are not understanding

If you visit her often,
She thinks you are boring
If you don’t,
She accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,
She says you are a playboy
If you don’t,
You are a dull boy

If you are jealous,
She says it’s bad
If you don’t,
She thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,
She says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t,
She thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,
She complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late,
She says that’s a girl’s way

If you visit another man,
You’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman,
“oh it’s natural, we are girls”

If you kiss her once in a while,
She professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
She yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
You lack ethics
If you do,
She thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,
She accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
She says that they are just admiring

If you talk,
She wants you to listen
If you listen,
She wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful… …..WOMEN!

WANT to break up with your lover but haven’t got the guts? Enter Bernd Dressler, head of the Separation Agency in Germany, who will calmly and efficiently do the dirty work for you.

Das boot … Bernd Dressler of the Separation Agency in Germany. Source: The Daily Telegraph

“I knock on the door. I introduce myself and I say that my client no longer wishes to continue the affair,” Dressler says.

“I’m just the messenger. It’s not me breaking up the relationship. The person breaking it off is the person that hired me to do it.”

He offers four levels of break-up service. With “let’s be friends” ($46), the bad news is communicated dryly over the phone.

But “Leave me alone”, for the same price, leaves the ditched lover in no doubt that Dressler’s client does not want to hear from him or her again.

For another $15, the unhappy Romeo - or Juliet - can opt for the “break-up by letter” which, as the name implies, involves Dressler drafting a “Dear John” or “Dear Jane” letter on the client’s behalf.

Finally comes the deluxe service, the “personal break-up” at $99, which sees Dressler himself turning up unannounced on the doorstep.

In Germany, where 57 per cent of marriages end in divorce, the business of separation has flourished to the point where the country’s first divorce fair is set to take place this year in the western city of Dusseldorf.

The fair is expected to draw specialist divorce lawyers and financial consultants but also representatives of dating websites and even nutritionists.

As for Dressler, he says there are worse jobs.

“The woman who works next door to me is a bailiff. When she has to kick people out of their houses or take their furniture, that’s much harder than what I do,” he says.

“Personally, I could never imagine hiring someone to announce on my behalf that I wanted to break up with them. But I’m from a different generation. I think the young people of today feel less responsible.”

A typical client ranges in age from 18 to 35 and is predominantly female, Dressler says.

“We live in a throwaway society. You drink a can of Coke and you throw it away. You don’t fancy your partner any more, you go out and find another one,” he adds.

But Dressler is nothing if not an imaginative entrepreneur and he is already branching out. He has pioneered another website “forgive me”.

If you have committed some awful act or said something you regret, guess who you can hire to go and say sorry in your place?

A Water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?

That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower
seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back,you’ve watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house”

Moral: Each of us has our own unique

flaws. We’re all cracked pots.
But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You’ve just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart on Valentine’s Day, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers,
“Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
“Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.
“Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree??”
“Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

There are many tips on how to get pregnant with a boy that have been producing results to some people but not all of the. The thing is that when you are trying to affect the gender of your future child you are trying to make it easier for the sperm that contains the gender determining chromosomes to fertilize the egg.The most important differences are related to the weight of the sperm and the motility - this meaning that the boy-sperm are fast and use all their energy quite fast also, and the girl-sperm can move for a long time but are quite slow in their movements.

To take advantage of these differences in getting pregnant with a boy, it is important to make the path of the sperm optimal for the boy-sperm. That would mean it is beneficial to try to conceive the child when the secretion of the vagina is slick and allows the fast sperm to get to their target easily. You can try to make this happen with changes in your lifestyle, or you can just rely on the time of the month, but to achieve the best results you should combine both. The menstrual cycle affects the secretion of the vagina quite a lot, and the most slippery time is the end part of your fertility cycle. This means that if a woman wants to get pregnant with a baby boy, she should engage in sexual activities during the middle part of her menstrual cycle when the cervical fluids production is about to cease. This is approximately two weeks after the menstruation and a few days after the ovulation - this means that it is more difficult to get pregnant this way, but the end results are more likely to be desired.

Besides just paying attention to the time of the month, you should make a few lifestyle changes to boost the effects. Timing your conception is important but also having intercourse in positions that allow deep penetration to make it easier for the vulnerable fast sperm to get to the egg. Also eating a diet that is rich in green vegetables will alkalize your body and make the environment for the sperm optimal - the boy sperm is quite fragile, and an acid environment will kill them quite fast when they leave the mans body.

Using these tips on how to get pregnant with a boy you can achieve the results you want, but it should be kept in mind that these are just ways to improve your chances on conceiving a baby of a desired gender, and do not guarantee you to get a baby boy.